A Letter to My Anxiety
Hello, you. You, there, in the shadows.
I would like to say that we have a love-hate relationship, although if I said that I would be lying.
It’s hard to love you when you put up so many barriers in my every-day life. Barriers that I don’t even take into account until I see a friend or family member do something, so easily, that you make me feel is the equivalent of running a marathon. Whether that be because of the tightness that pierces a pain in my chest each time I gulp for air. Or nausea that wriggles up and up from the bottom of my stomach to the back of my throat.
Sometimes I can pick up the phone and call a taxi with a calm, clear voice in a heartbeat. Sometimes I have to have several cups of coffee, a pep talk or two and a friend to do it for me.
Sometimes I can stand up in a coffee shop and strut over to the sugar which I need 4 sachets of. Sometimes I leave my coffee to go cold while my hands sweat and I’m too scared to move in case someone happens to glance my way.
Sometimes I can run out of the door with excitement to go visit a friend, or family or go food shopping. Other times, I check myself over in the mirror repeatedly to make sure everything is okay. Other times, I go in and out of the front door while asking “Do I really have everything I will need?”, “Do I really have to go today?” Look at that, I’ve missed my bus.
That is when you, my dear, are a pain in my ass.
I don’t like running late yet I do so anyway if it means keeping you just under the surface. I like socialising and meeting new people but you sometimes tell me to stay at home in case people don’t like me or misinterpret something I say.
Despite all of this, though, anxiety there is something that I hope I continue to love about you; if you’re sticking around that is.
I love that you challenge me to step outside of my comfort zone. A challenge is something that I rise to and so the fact that these things that I enjoy are made that little bit harder only pushes me to do them even more.
Oh, would you look at that, there is something that I love about you after all.
No offence to you but I still hope that you don’t stick around for the long-term. For now, though, I guess that love/hate relationship doesn’t sound too bad.